This must be stopped

Billy mays is now selling life insurance! I have no idea for what company or if it was a good deal, i was too busy waiting to hear what kind of orange juicer/tampon cleaner i was gonna get for free if i ordered in the next 20 minutes! For what ever company it was, it was a bad move to hire mr. mays. I’m sorry, i’m not buying something as important as life insurance from the guy that pushes “mighty putty”. Some people have a voice and delivery that is soothing and inspires confidence, like Morgan Freeman*. Then there are people who are meant to star in half hour commercials, with lower production values than porn, which only exist to take advantage insomniac-shop-a-holics, Meth-addicts, stoned college kids, and those of us who are desperate to watch anything that can take our minds off whatever irrehensible acts we just masterbated to. You can’t let these people push items you actually need. Suzanne Summers can’t go from doing cooter crunchs to promoting Children’s Car seats. I wouldn’t trust that bitch with my pet rock, much less my kid. Tony Little can’t be the face of a Security System/Fire-alarm, that fucker hasn’t been able to figure out how to use a mirror since ‘85, how is he gonna know how to protect my family. Vince the “ShamWow” guy can’t sell me prostate medication! Yeah, the Germans have made some good stuff, you know what else they’ve made?…concentration camps! I don’t want my rags coming from Germany or my erections! And why in the fuck are you wearing that headset? You can’t have too many important things going on that your hands can’t be bothered with holding a phone! Besides if this bitch can’t figure out a “bluetooth” earpiece how can we trust his opinion on any new technology….I just figured it out, he’s got the headset on, because he’s on his break from “old navy”. Sham-Wow money can’t pay for all that hair gel!….If Billy Mays was holding an FDA approved cancer vaccine, I’d think twice before I bought it! I’d figure I’d be able to get it as the free gift with his AIDS vaccine 6 months from now!

* Morgan Freeman dosn’t talk, he radiates auditory warm hugs. Everything sounds better when Morgan freeman says it. Morgan Freeman could narrate my execution for a crime i didn’t commit, and when they throw the switch, I’d be glad they didn’t find the real killer. Morgan Freeman could stand up in a crowded 747 and scream “Praise Allah” and the passengers would just fucking cheer!

I’m ashamed

His ESPN spots, are kinda making me like Billy Mays. I will punish him for that!

Devious Daryl’s 5th nominee for “Toy of the Season” Mcdonalds play set

 

Sure you may see this as Mathematics/Life-Skills teaching device cleverly disguised as toy children will want to use because of it’s association with a popular eating establishment. However, think of how easily it could be misinterpreted as a statement about someone’s child future employment prospects.

Devious Daryl’s 4th nominee for “Toy of the Season” : Night Vision for your kids

I’m sorry, I can’t think of a single “wholesome family” reason to purchase this for your children.

If you want to pick this up, depending on the store, it can be found in the sections titled “toys for parents who are in denial about the true nature of their children’s hobbies”, ” the overly affectionate Uncle/Step-father isle” or under the sign that reads “My first example of advanced paranoia”

Daryl’s Second nominee for: “Toy of the Season” :Guitar Hero: Pocket Size!

I love how they show no confidence in their product by feeling it necessary to put the words “Playable” and “Really Works” prominently on the packaging

The only reasons to pass this off as a present to your children is:

1 You want your child to be able to carry everything thats great about “Guitar Hero” with them except: Comfortable playablity, advanced CGI interface, Quality Sound (not like thats important in a game based on music anyway), the fun of playing, and everything else except the cheesy Gene Simmons rip-off mascot.

2. Your that smart-ass dad who tries to pull of that “only works on a sit-com” move of arguing with your kid that it’s: “Guitar Hero, you didn’t specify which one!”. Yeah, that technicality won’t help you, in about 8 years, when you wake up in the middle of the night staring down the barrel of a 12 gauge.

Daryl’s third nominee for “Toy of the Season”: Guitar Idol!

It’s this kind of toy that helps us white-trash kids realize just how poor we are. “Hmm, Guitar Hero put out a crappy-cheap version of it’s own game with Guitar Hero-pocket size. And the best I can do is the even crappier-cheaper rip-off. Wow, I’m gonna have a mullet and appear on “COPS” for the meth-lab I operate in the back of a camero one day.”

There’s only 2 reasons to buy this particular item:

1. You need a metaphor to help explain the countries current economic situation to your child. “Little Johnny, in February mommy and daddy had enough money in their 401k’s and Home equity to buy you a Full Rock Band set, but in December, we’re only worth enough to shop-lift this”

2. Your an Internet Radio Talk-Show host, who picked this thing up to take a picture of it, so you could write an irreverent blog about it. Then played with it for so long that the store made you purchase it, by threatening to press charges. So you were then forced to give it to your co-hosts son and try to play it off as a gag gift

ham cake

Yes, this is a cake that looks like a ham

Yes, this is only a baked good that is shaped and painted to look like a ham, there is no actual “Ham” involved.

Yes, this is a real item, of which I took this picture of in a “Publix” bakery display case where these can be found

Yes, this is the worst idea you’ve ever heard of

Nothing screams “yummy dessert” like mock pork, that appears to be a giant version of the fake meat that comes with a toy kitchen set. I like ham and I like cake, but I want my ham to look like ham, and my cake to look like cake!

Ham cake part 2

Executive #1 “man, what were we thinking, nobody wants a cake that looks like a ham”

Executive #2 “Yeah, it’s a cake that looks like a turkey that the people call out for”

Executive #3 “Genius!”

Ham cake part 2

Executive #1 “man, what were we thinking, nobody wants a cake that looks like a ham”

Executive #2 “Yeah, it’s a cake that looks like a turkey that the people call out for”

Executive #3 “Genius!”

Ham Cake

Yes, this is a cake that looks like a ham

Yes, this is only a baked good that is shaped and painted to look like a ham, there is no actual “Ham” involved.

Yes, this is a real item, of which I took this picture of in a “Publix” bakery display case where these can be found

Yes, this is the worst idea you’ve ever heard of

Nothing screams “yummy dessert” like mock pork, that appears to be a giant version of the fake meat that comes with a toy kitchen set. I like ham and I like cake, but I want my ham to look like ham, and my cake to look like cake!